So it came to pass that Adam and Eve did fucketh, and out of their loins came Cain and Abel. Abel took care of sheep for a living, which is a fairly easy job. Basically, you let the sheep eat grass, and you make sure they don't go wandering off a cliff, and you're all set. Cain, on the other hand, busted his ass growing crops in the ground. Anyway, Abel decides to murder an innocent sheep to sacrifice to God, while Cain sacrifices some of the crops he's worked his ass off on for months. Unfortunately, God is a carnivore, and tells Cain he needs to come up with some meat pronto, or no blessings for him. So, since Cain didn't raise animals, he made the next logical choice: He made meat out of his brother.
So God found out about this, and instead of being pleased with the sacrifice of human meat, he cursed Cain to go live away from his family in misery in a land called Nod, which apparently existed even though the bible said there were only four people on Earth at this point. I mean seriously, what the fuck guys. We went from four people on the whole planet to suddenly a whole other country where Cain could hang out, meet a wife, and pop out some kids. The rest of the chapter is just a bunch of nonsense about how all these previously nonexistent people went on to have more kids, and so on and so forth.
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