Eventually, Isaac got old and was about to die, so he sent for his favorite son Esau. Isaac told Esau he was about to die, but before he did he would really like a nice venison steak. So, if Esau could just go and hunt up some venison for him and prepare him a nice meal, he would bless Esau, which apparently was a big deal. So Esau went off to hunt up some grub for his dying father.
Meanwhile, Rebekah, who had been eavesdropping, told Jacob to stop watching Days of Our Lives for a second and go try and steal Esau’s blessing. Figuring Isaac was too stupid to figure out the difference between venison and goat meat, Rebekah told Jacob to go kill one of their goats and cook him up. In order that Isaac would think Jacob was really his half-ape brother Esau, Rebekah glued a bunch of goat fur to Jacob. She also told him to wear Esau’s clothes, and took him to Isaac.
Now, at this point you might be asking how someone could mistake a guy covered in glued-on goat fur and reeking of goat meat for his favorite son. What you’re forgetting, though, is that Jacob also was wearing Esau’s clothes. Also, Isaac was functionally retarded.
Anyway, Jacob brought the goat meat to Isaac and pretended to be Esau. Isaac was amazed that his son, known throughout the land as the world’s shittiest hunter, had managed to bring home a dead animal so quickly. After seeing the Robin Williams-esque body hair and the ratty clothes, though, he trusted that the person in front of him was Esau, and immediately blessed him.
Shortly thereafter, the actual Esau came back and brought in some venison for his father. Isaac, feeling very guilty for accidentally blessing the wrong son, nonetheless said the system wouldn’t allow him to really correct the situation since all blessings were final, and so too bad for Esau. After some girlish sobbing and whining from Esau, Isaac finally acquiesced to giving Esau a blessing too. So he told Esau that he would be destined to serve his brother until he could manage to gain the upper hand.
For some reason, Esau was upset about this, and vowed to kill his brother. Unfortunately, he said this in his outside voice, and Rebekah, who just happened to be hanging out outside the tent with her ear pressed against the fabric, told Jacob to skedaddle before Esau found him.
Before Jacob left, though, Rebekah told him not to go carousing with those harlot daughters of Heth, because Rebekah was totally pissed off at Heth, and if Jacob ever married one of them she would just DIE. Thus was the reputation of the Jewish mother established.
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