Deciding he had had enough of the single life, Abraham took another wife. Unlike Sarah, his new wife was capable of having kids without God intervening, and so she bore him lots of little mouths to feed. However, despite all the kids he had, he would only allow his estate to go to Isaac. Oh, and Abraham also took on a bunch of concubines and gave the kids they had some gifts and kicked them out of the house. Classy.
After 135 years, which is close enough to God’s age limit, Abraham died and he was buried next to his first wife. The Bible then takes an interlude for a bunch of “begats”.
As it turns out, Isaac’s wife Rebekah turned out to be barren just like Sarah was. Luckily, God wasn’t in the mood to mess around this time like he did with Sarah, and just let Rebekah conceive anyway. Rebekah became puzzled because it felt like two kids were having fistfights in her womb, so she asked God about it. God, obviously not an obstetrician, told her that she had twins in her womb, and they would come out of her bowels. Honestly, what is with God’s obsession with bowels?
Anyway, God told Rebekah that her sons would be heads of great nations, and the older would serve the younger. Having thus been told the entire story of her sons’ lives before they were born, and without even the benefit of a “Spoiler Alert” warning from God, Rebekah had her kids. Esau came out first, and was covered in red hair, which had to make Isaac look sidelong at the orangutans that were always hanging out around Rebekah’s tent. Jacob was born next, and he was hanging on to Esau’s heel, which is supposed to be some sort of omen, but might have just been because Jacob had a foot fetish.
Esau and Jacob grew older. Esau became a hunter and killed stuff for a living, while Jacob grew crops. Since Isaac shared God’s thirst for blood, he liked Esau better, but Rebekah liked Jacob better because he hung around at home and watched soaps with her while he waited for his crops to grow.
Esau, after a long day of hunting, came home one day really hungry. He saw Jacob was making some soup, and asked for some. Jacob, reiterating the moral of the Cain and Abel story (all farmers are evil), demanded Esau sell him his birthright in exchange for some food. Esau, who apparently wasn’t a good enough hunter to even feed himself, acquiesced and sold his entire inheritance in exchange for a bowl of lentil soup and some bread. Esau: negotiator extraordinaire.
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