God came back to Abram to micromanage a little more. Feeling that Abram needed something of a brand rehabilitation, God decided to rename him Abraham and his wife Sarah. This event established the fact that a superfluous “h” makes any name better.
Not content with just giving away land, however, God changes the terms of the contract here, suddenly demanding that anyone he would accept into his convenant must have the tips of their tallywhackers lopped off. Not wanting to piss off God, Abram (ahem, Abraham) went along, and sacrificed what he was supposed to sacrifice.
God further went on to tell Abraham that he and his wife Sarai (who he now had to refer to as Sarah due to God’s micromanagement) would bear a child together called Isaac. Of course, since Abraham and his wife were by now decrepit old trolls, Abraham had a big laugh about this. In the meantime, Abraham went and circumcised every male member of his household, no matter how old they were, including his own son Ishmael, who was 13 at the time. Others, including Abraham himself of course, were a lot older when they elected to chop off part of their penises to appease God’s Holy Fetish.
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