So it came to pass that Sarai started feeling guilty about not being able to bear children. In order to appease her husband, she offered to let him bone her servant Hagar (who was apparently not that horrible. Oh yah, I went there) in order to get some kids. Unfortunately for her, the plan worked, and Hagar got preggo. Upset about this whole thing, which she brought on herself, Sarai decided to bitch to Abram. Abram told Sarai to deal with Hagar however she wished, and by the way stop bothering him in the middle of Wheel of Fortune.
So, Sarai made the logical choice and started beating the hell out of Hagar. Hagar took off in fear, and an angel of God caught up with her and told her to go back. Thus, God’s pro-domestic-violence stance was established.
At any rate, God told Hagar she would bear a son, and that son would be a holy terror. That son was called Ishmael. He later went on to hunt the Great White Whale, but that’s a different story.
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