Sensible Madness

One day, Moses was tending to the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro. Wait a minute, wasn’t his father in law Reuel in the last chapter? Well, he did marry off one of his daughters and had a grandson, which is sort of significant, so I guess he was overdue for a name change.

Anyway, Moses took the flock around to the backside of the "mountain of God", which despite the name was just a regular mountain and not a theme park or anything. While there, God showed up in the form of a burning bush. Moses, astonished that the bush was burning but not being consumed by the fire, tried to get closer to figure out how that was done. God, like any good magician not wanting to give up any of his tricks, ordered Moses to stand back, and to take off his shoes because he was on holy ground. Oh, and since there were a bunch of thorns around, it would be a really bad idea to go snooping around without any shoes on.

Moses, afraid now, hid his face because he had heard looking directly at God was a big no-no. Meanwhile, God told him that he had heard all the complaining from the Israelites, and wanted Moses to go ask Pharaoh to please let the Israelites go. Moses was a little skeptical of a lone Egyptian-killing Hebrew’s ability to convince Pharaoh of such a thing, not to mention convince a bunch of Israelites to follow him into the desert, and said as much to God. God considered this, and told Moses that he could prove to everyone that God sent him by coming back to that mountain after he had freed the Israelites.

Moses, always one to poke holes in God’s brilliant plans, pointed out that providing proof after Pharaoh freed everyone, and after he had all of the Israelites follow him out to the desert, wasn’t going to do a whole lot of good when he needed the proof to get Pharaoh and the Israelites to do what he wanted them to do in the first place. Hell, he said, when he tells the Israelites he was sent by God, they’re just going to ask what God’s name is, and then what is he supposed to say?

God, getting a little snippy now, shouted that if anyone asked, Moses should just say God’s name is "I AM THAT I AM", and that "I AM" sent him, so stop screwing around and let’s get the hell out of here. This would, God said, get the Israelites to follow you, because they apparently responded well to being shouted at. God did mention, however, that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of Pharaoh ever agreeing to let anyone go, so that part of the mission was largely just a way to justify God plaguing the shit out of Egypt later on.

After some serious smiting, God said, Pharaoh would have no choice but to let the Hebrews go. In fact, the Egyptians would be so glad to see them leave, they would shower all sorts of gold, jewelry, and fancy clothes on the Hebrews if they asked. In this way, God said, the Hebrews could do a little plundering on the way out.