Sensible Madness

After God had given Moses the Ten Commandments (plus 4 bonus commandments!), he proceeded to outline a whole bunch of other rules for the Israelites to follow as well:

1. Care and feeding of Hebrew slaves:

   Anyone who buys a Hebrew as a slave can only keep him for 6 years. In the seventh year, the slave has to be let go.

   If the slave was alone when you bought him, he has to leave alone. If he had a wife, the wife has to be set free too. However, if his master provided the slave with a wife, the wife stays with the master. Further, any children the wife might have had while the Hebrew was busy slaving also belong to the master, and stay when the slave leaves. Thus, much like a washing machine in a rental apartment, you're usually better off bringing a wife with you rather than renting one from the landlord.

   If the slave decides he loves his wife and kids too much to leave, his master gets to drive a spike into his ear, after which the slave will stay with that master for the rest of his life.

2. So you've decided to buy another man's daughter for sex:

   If you buy someone's daughter for sex, it will be with the understanding that you will eventually marry her. If she's terrible in the sack, you're allowed to give her back to her father. However, you're not allowed to sell her to any foreigners. The logic here is that since you didn't marry her as agreed, the original sale is void and you have to give her back. Next time read the End-User License Agreement for your sex slaves more carefully.

   If you don't want to marry the girl, and you don't want to give her back, you can marry her off to one of your sons, after which you have to treat her just like you would one of your own daughters.

   If you do decide to marry the girl and later take another wife, you're not allowed to reduce the amount of food, clothing, or sex you give the first wife. If you do, you have to set her free. So, if you don't think you can sexually satisfy two wives, and Viagra hasn't been invented yet, it's best to stick with just the one.

3. How to get yourself put to death:

   If a man kills another man, he should be executed. However, if he didn't actually lie in wait for the man he murdered, but rather God delivered his victim to him, he should be allowed to flee to a place God designates. This exception to the rule is necessary so God doesn't have to give up his killing-for-hire business. Anyone who kills someone else on purpose without God telling him to do so, though, is toast.

   Anyone who strikes his mother or father will be put to death, even if he's a teenager and his parents grounded him because they found his fermented manna stash so he totally missed the winter dance and missed his chance to get to third base with that cute girl in his World History class in the back seat of the family minivan on Lover's Lane. Even though that is totally unfair and his parents are totally ruining his life, he's still not allowed to hit them. Life is just not fair sometimes.

   Anyone who steals a man and either tries to sell him or is caught with the man in his possession will be put to death.

   Anyone who curses at his parents will also be put to death, even if his parents are total jerks as previously outlined. Basically, it's in a child's best interest to not do anything to piss off his parents unless he really wants to die, and we're not talking that fake emo "I want to die" stuff either. If you piss off your parents, you're basically fucked.

   If two men fight, and one strikes the other either with a rock or his hand hard enough to seriously injure but not kill him, he must compensate his victim for whatever time he loses by being bedridden. If, however, the injured party is able to get up and walk around with a staff, the one who hit him will be free of further obligation.

   If a man beats his slave, whether male or female, and the slave dies, the man shall be punished. However, if the slave is able to get up within a day or two of the beating, there won't be any punishment, since the man basically already punished himself by having to live without his slave for that time. So, if you must beat your slaves, beat them to within an inch of their lives, but don't actually kill them. If you do that, everything will be just fine.

   If two men are fighting and one of them ends up hitting a pregnant woman who happens to be standing nearby (evidently this sort of thing happened a lot), his punishment will vary depending on what happens. If the woman ends up giving birth prematurely, but the baby survives, the woman's husband will be free to extract whatever punishment he wants from the man who hit his wife. If the baby dies, the man who hit the woman will be put to death.

   If some other serious injury occurs, the man who struck the pregnant woman will be punished accordingly: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a left pinky nail for a left pinky nail, and so on.

4. How to lose your slave without actually killing him (or her):

   If a man strikes his slave and his or her tooth gets knocked out, the man must free the slave, for dental insurance has not yet been invented.

   If a man strikes his slave and his or her eye is injured, the man must free the slave, as the slave will no longer be able to fully enjoy 3D movies.

5. How to lose an ox:

   If an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox will be stoned to death, and the meat will not be eaten or paid for. However, the owner of the ox will not serve any further punishment.

   If the ox has been known to be dangerous before the goring, though, and the owner was told the ox was a dangerous animal, then the ox will still be stoned, but his owner will also be killed.

   If, on the other hand, the family of the victims or, presumably, the judges demand payment instead, the owner of the ox will pay the fine and therefore be spared.

   If an ox gores a slave, however, the owner of the ox only has to pay 30 shekels to the slave's owner. The ox, though, still has to be stoned to death.

6. Further ox shenanigans:

   If someone digs a hole for some reason, and someone else's ox or donkey falls in, the guy who dug the pit should pay the owner of the animal according to the value of the animal, after which the animal (or its corpse) belongs to the guy who dug the pit.

   If one man's ox kills another man's ox, the remaining living ox should be sold and the money split between the two men. The dead ox will likewise be carved up and split between the two. If, however, the murderous ox has previously been known to kill other peoples' oxen, the dead ox will become the property of the owner of the murderous ox, and the murderous ox will become the property of the dude who owned the previously living ox.