Sensible Madness

A man and a woman, both descendants of Levi and probably therefore at least first cousins, got married and had a son. The woman, not wanting to have some random Egyptian find her son and throw him in the river, decided to be proactive and put the child in the river herself. She fashioned a little boat with reeds and river slime, put the baby in it, and sent it on down the river. The boy’s sister, who apparently existed, was hanging around the river and saw what was being done.

Later, Pharaoh’s daughter went to the river to bathe, and noticed a boat in the reeds by the river, and sent her servant to go check it out. The servant came back with a baby, and Pharaoh’s daughter knew immediately, what with it being in the river and all, that it must be a Hebrew. She was a sucker for babies, though, and decided to take pity on it. The boy’s sister, who was hanging out waiting for someone to find the baby, offered to go find a Hebrew woman to nurse him. Of course, since she already knew who the baby was, she went and fetched the baby’s own mother to nurse him. After he was weaned, she took him to Pharaoh’s daughter. Pharaoh’s daughter named him Moses, which apparently translates to “boy found in slime-covered boat in the water” in Ancient Egyptian.

Years passed, and Moses grew up. While wandering aimlessly around, he spotted an Egyptian beating the hell out of a Hebrew. Incensed, Moses went up and killed the Egyptian and buried the body in a nearby sand dune. The next day, Moses saw two Hebrews fighting, and tried to break it up. One of the Hebrews said, “What, are you going to kill me too like you killed the Egyptian?”

Seeing that everyone knew he had killed an Egyptian, and he was thus royally boned, Moses took off to a land called Midian before Pharaoh could have him killed. In Midian, Moses saw 7 women, daughters of some guy named Reuel, trying to get water from a well so they could water their father’s flock. Unfortunately, every time they tried to get water, the local shepherds would run them off. Feeling sympathetic, Moses helped them get the water, and protect them from roving bands of shepherds, and they were able to water their flocks.

When the women went back to their father’s house, he was puzzled as to why they were home so soon. Apparently, he knew they were being harassed endlessly by a bunch of shepherds every day, but rather than do anything about it, he just worked the delay caused by the bullying into his schedule. This is how Father of the Year competitions are lost.

Anyway, the daughters reported that some strange Egyptian had helped them out, and Reuel insisted they bring him in and feed him in gratitude for his kindness. In return, Moses crashed on the guy’s couch for a while, and eventually married one of his daughters, who bore a son called Gershom, which translates into "offspring of guy who crashed at his father-in-law’s place and won’t leave". Loosely translated, of course.

At any rate, eventually the Pharaoh died, and the Israelites started to bitch virtually non-stop to God about the whole slavery thing. God, suddenly remembering he had made a promise to these peoples’ ancestors, figured it was time to maybe think about doing something about this whole mess.