Sensible Madness

So after saving everyone's ass, God came to Moses and told him that he wasn't quite done beating on Pharaoh yet, so he had a plan: Moses was to get the Israelites to camp out in an area nearby, but backed up against the sea. This would make Pharaoh believe the Israelites were cornered, and with the help of God's heart-hardening, make him want to go after the Israelites. Then, God would spring his trap, Pharaoh would be royally screwed, and all the Egyptians would worship God like he'd been trying to get them to do this whole time.

And so Moses did as he was told, and as predicted Pharaoh got wind of it and gathered an army of 600 chariots to go beat up some Israelites. The Israelites, understandably, were not terribly thrilled to be being chased by Egyptians again, and went to Moses to complain:

"What the fuck, Moses," they said (paraphrased), "Did they run out of graves in Egypt or something? Is that why you had to take us all the way out here to be killed instead of just letting us die there? Didn’t we tell you to leave us alone so we could serve the Egyptians in peace, without all the plaguing and the pissing everyone off? What was the point of all this crap if the Egyptians were just going to come and kill us anyway?"

"Keep your pants on," said Moses (paraphrased), "God is about to fuck these Egyptians up good, so we don’t have to see them ever again. Just shut up and let God do his thing."

So God told Moses to lift up his multipurpose staff, and God would part the waters of the sea, so that the Israelites could walk across. While in most cases building a bridge would be preferable, in order to keep anyone's shoes from getting muddy, time was of the essence. Anyway, God told Moses to lead the Israelites across the seabed, and God would hang behind a little to show the Egyptians what-for.

God then moved his pillar of cloud/fire between the Egyptians and the Israelites, to keep either of them from screwing with the other during the night. Then, Moses stretched his hands and lifted his staff, and God caused a wind from the east to blow all night, which somehow managed to divide the waters of the sea. The Israelites walked across the sea bed first thing in the morning, stepping over the countless dead and dying fish that must have been flopping around in the mud at their feet. The Egyptians, of course, went after them.

God, being something of a prankster, screwed with the Egyptians the entire time, causing the wheels to fall of their chariots, causing horses to get stuck in the mud, causing their shoelaces to become tied together, and making them slip on dead fish every other step. All of this, particularly the shoelace thing, irritated the Egyptians so much that they decided to break off the pursuit and head back the way they had come. Unfortunately for them, this all happened well before the Geneva Conventions, and God was not a big fan of taking prisoners. So, God ordered Moses to lift up his staff again, and God caused the sea to flood back into the channel the Egyptians were attempting to flee through, causing them all to be swept away and drowned.

Thus did God save the Israelites and completely fuck up the Egyptians. The people then feared God, and believed that he and Moses were not people they wanted to screw around with. Mission accomplished.