Sensible Madness

God told Moses that he had once again pissed Pharaoh off enough that he would never let the Israelites go, so it was time for Moses to go in and threaten some more plaguing so God could kick a little more ass. This time, God noted, he would plague the Egyptians so hard that their grandchildren would feel it.

Moses went to Pharaoh and asked him when he was going to start with the God-worshipping, because he was getting a little tired of having to kick Egypt’s ass on a daily basis. This time, he said, either Pharaoh was going to let the Israelites go or God was going to bring in a huge swarm of locusts to eat everything that the hail didn’t already kill. Locusts, unlike hail and fire, could get into houses though, so hiding in his palace like a pussy wasn’t going to save Pharaoh this time. With that, Moses spun around and exited the building.

As soon as Moses left, Pharaoh’s minions began begging him to just let the Israelites go so God wouldn’t destroy Egypt any more than it already was. So, Pharaoh sent for Moses and Aaron again, and asked which Israelites they wanted released. Of course, Moses said all of them wanted to go, including the kids, because booking day care in Egypt was a real bitch. Pharaoh, convinced this was all some evil plot to overthrow his almost completely destroyed kingdom, had them thrown out of his palace.

God, convinced that he had given the proper warning, told Moses to lift up his multipurpose rod (meaning walking stick, you perverts) and call forth the locusts. Moses did so, and a giant wind out of the East came through and blew all the locusts into Egypt. From this we can infer that Saudi Arabia must have been getting really trashed by locusts just prior to this.

Anyway, the locusts came and ate everything that hadn’t already been destroyed by all of the previous plagues, which basically meant they were feasting on frog entrails. Eventually, Pharaoh got tired of waking up covered in locusts, and summoned Moses (and Aaron, his trusty sidekick). Pharaoh told Moses that he had sinned by going back on his word, and could God pretty please forgive him? Moses, gullible as ever, went back to God, and God agreed to end the plague of locusts. God sent a giant wind out of the west, which pushed all the locusts into the Red Sea, where they all died a horrible death.

Feeling that Egypt even now hadn’t been sufficiently fucked up, God once again “hardened Pharaoh’s heart” to the point where Pharaoh refused to let the Israelites go. Once again ignoring the conflict of interest inherent in his actions, God told Moses to punish Pharaoh’s stubbornness, which as we all remember God himself caused, by plunging the entire country into darkness. Moses did the usual reaching up to heaven thing, and suddenly all of Egypt was dark. The darkness was so thick that even candles, the state of the art in lighting technology at the time, couldn’t penetrate it.

Pharaoh, after stubbing his toe on the bedpost in the dark for the 10,000th time, finally summoned Moses and told him to take his people and get the hell out, but leave the livestock. Moses, remembering how much God loves a barbecue, told Pharaoh the livestock had to go with them, so they could sacrifice it. Pharaoh, obviously seeing through Moses’ transparent attempt to take the Israelites out of Egypt never to return, told Moses to get the hell out of his house. Further, Pharaoh warned, if Moses ever set foot in that palace again, that rod Moses was always carrying was going straight up his ass. Or words to that effect, anyway. Moses, not being a fan of excruciatingly painful death, agreed never to let Pharaoh see his face again.